REFLECTIONS

Here I sit at 3:52am unable to sleep again. I decided to take some time to reflect on the events of today.

It started this morning when I woke up from being unable to get to sleep early the night before. It was about 4:30am before I finally went off to dream-land. I woke up at 10:30am feeling quite un-rested. My neck was sore and I had a terrible headache. I refrained from taking any drugs for the pain and suffered through.

I did not feel like eating any of the food I have in the house since I now only have healthy food there. I forced myself to at least have a protein shake.


I left the house at 12:30pm to go to see a client. On the way I began getting the feeling that I am starving. I stop at McDonalds for a good ole' greasy burger and fries and the coke to go with it. I at least kept it to only a cheeseburger and not the quarter-pounder I desired.

It actually tasted pretty bad to me. I could feel the texture of that meat that is kept under a heat lamp and fries cooked in oil that who knows when it was last changed or how expired it was before it even hit the cooker.

The most interesting phenomena I noticed was the after effect of drinking the soda. I could feel the syrupy sugar coating the inside of my mouth like some delicate skin of a reptile molting.

I felt really horrible about myself and my decision and chalked it up to one mistake and let it go at that.

I did my work at my client's place and left to come back home. By this time it is mid afternoon.
The cravings start again. I want another soda. I stop at a local Walgreen's and get a 20 oz Dr. Pepper and of all things- A SNICKERS BAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I arrive home, do some more work and decide the day is shot. I feel lethargic and likened my condition to a new born sloth about to keel over. (just a little exaggeration there)

For dinner I decide to go to Subway. I have my favorite- a Big Philly Cheese steak (6-inch) with double meat, bell peppers, jalapeno peppers and mayonnaise. Let's add on the Lays potato chips and another soda for good measure.

By 10:30pm I am starving again. I talk my wife into us getting a pizza while we watch NCIS that I recorded the night before. She concedes and so here I am at my computer. It is now 4:07am since I started writing this.

Why did I write all this? Well, I think mostly to get it out of my system. However, it did help me to look over what happened today and why. Why did I do all these things to myself after 10 days of eating better and exercising? Why? Why? Why?

Well, I will tell you why- BECAUSE I DECIDED TO DO IT.  It really is that simple. A simple decision and that was it.

I could blame it on the night before I had so much energy I couldn't sleep and so the next day I felt bad and let that cloud my focus. I COULD blame it on that. I could blame it on the fact that I had to go out on the road and I wasn't prepared with a good food plan. While there is some bit of truth in that statement, I still knew I was going to be out on the road prior to me going. I didn't do anything about it.

I looked over the past week. I have not been struggling to get to the point I am at. It has been fairly easy for me. I had some withdrawal from soda last week, but all in all it wasn't that bad really. I didn't even struggle today really. I just gave in to that side of me that is willing to put bad things in my body. That was all.

So, my point is, it's not like it is the end of the world for me. It does not mean I have failed. It does not mean that now I have to go back to my old lifestyle and give up. Nope, not at all.

It means that I have to focus more on my goals and just get on with it and say goodbye to January 11, 2012 as it has gone by now. I can embrace January 12, 2012 with open arms. There is the past, there is the present and there is the future. A cool little secret about the future is that no one owns it yet. It is blank and anything you want can be written on it.

Think about it.